Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
