i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
