saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
