You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
