i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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