Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
