youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
