He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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