my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
