drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
