My liver just broke up with me...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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