dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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