There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
