There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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