TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
