well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
