thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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