I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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