You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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