On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
