No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
