We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
