After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
