Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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