i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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