I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
