If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
