Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Damn victory sex feels great
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
