dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
