just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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