apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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