Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
