I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just gargled with NyQuil
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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