I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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