i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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