On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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