Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
