i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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