She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
