This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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