we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize