Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
