Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
