i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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