I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
