I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize