I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
