i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
