Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
