so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
