i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
