My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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