I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
