WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
