Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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