He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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