i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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