Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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