Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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