I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
